What’s the difference between male and female teenagers?
Girls are more egocentric – they think, “What does this have to do with me?” While boys tend to see themselves as part of the whole. They’ll ask what has this has to do with us. That’s why they do well in teams. It’s also why they’re vulnerable. In the absence of the common good, they go looking for one and may choose unwisely, which is when mothers worry about drink, drugs, gangs and car smashes.
How does the mother-son relationship change during his adolescence?
You ask how his day was, he grunts, “Fine.” He’s no longer the small son who confided in you on a regular basis. This communication shutdown is frightening to mothers, so they keep pushing. Mothers crave constant dialogue with their sons, but this is futile. We (women) don’t immediately recognise male intuition, because it operates differently in the female version but it’s very real. Our challenge is to recognise the communication that’s occurring in the silence, and trust in it.
What else don’t mothers understand about teenage boys?
Their staggering pragmatism, they do their homework when the urgent moment arrives and not before, so no amount of nagging will work. When he knows it’s up to him and only him whether something gets done, then he’ll make good decisions. If he senses that something will happen anyway he’ll simple choose not to act because, in his mind, there is no reason to. So he’ll never learn to wash his clothes unless you stop doing it first. They have to be able to see the consequences before it becomes real enough to motivate them.
But holding back goes against every impulse a mother has for her child…
It is counter-intuitive but its effective, mothers, particularly white middle class ones are overly involved in the lives of their adolescent sons. We aren’t letting them learn about action and consequence because we keep interfering in the process. The first decision he makes should be nothing more significant than deciding to get out of bed to make his own lunch so that he doesn’t spend the day hungry. If you are still making his lunch, stop. Let him make mistakes.
Is it possible to instill discipline while distancing yourself?
Yes, boys like clear boundaries, they like to know what’s required of them and what will happen if they do, or don’t do, what’s being asked. He knows, at some level, that this will keep him safe and its proof of the love people have for him but he’ll also test it. Use the thing he loves most to hold him to account for his behavior. For example, “if you are not home by 9pm, I will expect you to hand me your ipod and I will keep it for a week.” He may well come into the house at 9.10pm almost to test how serious you are. Stick to the line. “You were not home at 9pm as agreed, give me your ipod.” And don’t relent two days later.
When does this phase end?
Trust that he will be “back” when he is 18 or 19, and also that all the good stuff you put into him when he was young is still in there. Talk to other women with older boys who can attest to this and look forward to the day when all the values you worked so hard to instill in him start rolling out of his mouth again.
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