Don't be fooled by me - please don't be fooled by the face I’m wearing, because I'm wearing a mask, in fact I wear a thousand masks. Masks I'm afraid to take off and none of them is the real me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me but don't be fooled. I like to give you the impression that I’m really secure in myself, that all is unruffled and confident, and that the water is all calm, that I’m really in command and that I need no one. But don't be fooled by me.
My surface may be smooth but that surface is only one of many masks, masks I use to conceal the frightened person sheltering behind them. Beneath there is no smugness; down there, dwells the real me in confusion, loneliness and fear. But I hide all this because I’m afraid someone may get to know about it. That’s why I frantically create a mask and hide behind it. The camouflage helps me to pretend. It shields me from the “look that knows”.
But that very “look that knows” could be my salvation, my only hope. I know that. If only I could accept that look, open out and have the courage to take off that mask and let love and friendship come into my life, it could begin the process of liberating me – from myself. From the prison walls I have built up around myself. From all the barriers I erect against people and from all the clever games I have devised to make sure they keep their distance.
If I could do that it would assure me of something that I cannot assure myself of, THAT I AM REALLY WORTH SOMETHING. But I don’t dare tell you this. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that if I let you see what I’m really like, you will think less of me and reject me. Or that you’ll laugh, and your laugh most particularly, would really kill me.
You see, deep down, I’m afraid that I’m nothing. I feel that I’m really no good and you might see this and reject me. So I play the well-rehearsed game, full of assurance and confidence on the outside, but a trembling fearful child on the inside. And so my life becomes a front. I chatter away to you idly with surface talk. I tell you everything of what’s nothing and nothing of what’s everything. But nothing about what’s crying out within me.
So while I’m going through my routine, don’t be fooled by what I’m saying. But please listen carefully to what I’m NOT saying, what I would love to say, what I really need to say. Believe me I dislike playing this superficial game. I’d like to be genuine and sincere but you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want. Only you can make me alive.
Every time you are kind and gentle and encouraging.
Every time you try to show me that you care about me.
Every time you try to understand what’s going on in my life.
My heart begins to grow wings – very small wings but real wings. With your sympathy, care and compassion, you can bring life back to me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how special and important you are to me, even though I have never told you this before. You can become the creator of the person that is within me, if you choose too. You alone can break down the wall behind which I take refuge and tremble. You can help me remove my mask. You can help me release me myself from the show world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely cell. So don’t pass me by, PLEASE DON’T PASS ME BY.
It won’t be easy for you as a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach, the blinder I am in striking out. But I’m told that friendship and love are stronger than even strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope. Please try to beat down these walls with firm hands but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I? What am I? I suspect that I am someone you know very well. I am every person you meet, every man, every woman, and every child. I AM EVERYONE.
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